electron zoo

For those of us who aren’t sitting in rain waiting outside the Apple store — or even those who are — here are five timekillers. (Also, here are my pics of the DC area Apple store.)

The iPhone is the business media’s Paris Hilton. Because combining the words “iPhone” with “Paris Hilton” into one headline is pure genius.

Steven Colbert’s iPhone Review. I actually have the same iPhone model as he does. The limited Imaginary Edition.

The iPhone plays voicemail in whatever order you want, which is a great feature to use while your world is crumbling around you.

iLines across USA. Soon, these will be just about the only people in the country who can personally attest to how much the iPhone actually sucks. But they won’t admit it — well, not for a week or two, anyway.

Build your own iPhone in 3 easy steps. As long as you don’t care whether it’s small, black, shiny, or even an iPhone.

You know who you are. If it doesn't have whiskers and wear a bow, you don't want it. But Hello Kitty comes from Japan, where bytes are the not-so-new black. If you're going to ride this bandwagon, these 5 Gadgets are for you.

Hello Kitty Bluetooth Handsfree
When you haven't got enough hands to hold your Hello Kitty mobile phone (or the low-tech version for US residents), your Hello Kitty wireless headset will have you covered. Telephones must make Hello Kitty very sad, because she has no mouth.

Hello Kitty Digital Cam
Would the Hello Kitty paparazzi dare use another digital cam to catch this hot shot of Steven Tyler indulging in some pink, plushy Hello love? It takes 3.2 megapixel shots and even has a video out so you can connect it to your Hello Kitty TV set.

Hello Kitty USB 2.0 Flash Drive
Wearable flash memory must be worn in style. What matches your outfit, 256 MB or 512 MB? Either will look fabulous plugged into your Hello Kitty USB hub.

Hello Kitty Desktop Cleaner
Here's a neat little gadget that's popular in Japan -- a tiny vacuum cleaner to keep your desktop tidy. (It's great for keeping the dust off your Hello Kitty keyboard and mouse.) It reminds me of what Ethan Hawke used in Gattaca so no one would discover his true genetic identity. Does this mean the Japanese are genetically engineered superhumans? Perhaps.

Hello Kitty Portable Speakers
What kind of music do you Hello Kitty fans rock out to, anyway? I hope it sounds good coming out of two giant plush Hello Kitty feet, which can easily be connected to your Hello Kitty MP3 Player.

With the scorge of iPods ravaging our nation, I feel it’s my civic duty to educate my readers about basic iPod safety. To ensure your personal safety and the safety of those around you while using your iPod, please take the following three easy steps.

1. Use larger headphones. Sure, white earbuds are hip, but big studio headphones are even cooler. The people around you will recognize your unwavering appreciation for sound quality, while also recognizing that you can’t hear a damn thing. You will be safe from others attempting to speak to you while at the same time securing your image as an uncompromising music lover.
2. Practice sign language. Rather than removing your headphones in order to speak with others, try learning sign language. A practice well established by the deaf, sign language is an effective, widespread method for communicating without the use of hearing. Using sign language will enable you to order a triple mocha latte at Starbucks without interrupting the breakdown.
3. Bling your iPod. iPod muggings have been taking place in major cities worldwide. It is of increasing importance that you keep your iPod visible at all times, not only by using it openly in the street, but also by dressing up your iPod in striking accessories. Some possibilities to consider include designer hoodies, an uber-yuppie fannie pack, a totebag with built-in speakers, or a glamorous floral printed case that makes it look like a Fifth Avenue clutch. Muggers will know better than to tread on your style.

By taking these three simple steps, you can enjoy your tunes in peace knowing that the world knows you’re a hip and unique individual who’s not to be reckoned with. Or spoken to.

Please tune in for my next round of safety tips: "How to Properly Enjoy DVDs and Playstation in the Comfort of Your Own Car".

Backslash Backlash: This will be the name of my new metal band. Well, it would have simply been called Backslash, but that’s been taken by some rather tough looking Germans who could probably take me in a biergarten brawl. So Backslash Backlash it is.

The name of my metal band indicates my loathing and distaste for all humankind. (As the name of any metal band should do.) Well, maybe not for all humankind, just a vast majority — that majority being those who can’t keep the difference straight between a backslash (\) and a forward slash (/).

If you don’t know the difference … sigh. A slash (also known as a forward slash) leans forward (to the right), and is frequently used in punctuation and web addresses. A backslash leans backwards (to the left) and is infrequently used for anything at all. It was just invented in the 1950s and its main utility is in computer programming. The (forward) slash is beside your right SHIFT key. The backslash is really hard to find and often located in different positions on different keyboards.

Nonetheless, I’ve heard everyone from talk show hosts to family members claim that some web page or another can be found at "blah blah blah dot com backslash something something something" — in spite of the fact that a backslash will never appear in a properly formatted internet address. (I assume they think backslash is a fancy word for a slash. Well, you can’t blame ‘em for trying … right?)

And of course, I’m definitely not the first “enlightened” individual to observe this frequently-made mistake. Because what geek isn’t prone to just a little — the tinyest bit — of arrogance and elitism?

Against what you might call my “better judgment”, I’ve been geeking out on yet another new PDA lately. I didn’t think I would ever learn to love (a PDA) again. Boy was I wrong.

Know thyself. Consider the twelve-step journey to gadget enlightenment.

1. First encounter. A store, a friend, or an acquaintance has that cool new gadget. Huh.
2. Interest. You’re curious. You observe or ask your friend about their gadget. Hmm.
3. Enthusiasm. What a neat gadget! But you don’t need anything like that.
4. Research. You learn the jargon. You find out that the X879 (or whatever) is nice, but it’s not compatible with 802.11b (or whatever) so the X977 (or whatever) is the model that’s right for …
5. Rationalization. Maybe you don’t need that new PDA (or whatever) for PIM (or whatever), but it could help you with [insert newly-invented, non-critical task here].
6. On second thought … you really shouldn’t be spending your money on that kind of thing.
7. Breakdown. (What are credit cards for anyway?) You suddenly buy it and you don’t look back. You at least pretend to have no regret about your well-informed and practical purchase.
8. Exploration. You have that gadget in your own sweaty palms. You spend a late and wild night messing around with it. You are bleary-eyed in the morning.
9. Zeal. You bring it everywhere. You talk about it constantly. It’s just what you always needed. How did you ever get by without it?
10. Oops. You leave it somewhere. Or break it. Or keep forgetting it at the office. Or whatever.
11. Oops again. Maybe you didn’t need that gadget after all. Your life is just as great without it. Better even.
12. Well, things might be a little better if you had the newest cool new …

Repeat. Shuffle. Repeat.