electron zoo

With the scorge of iPods ravaging our nation, I feel it’s my civic duty to educate my readers about basic iPod safety. To ensure your personal safety and the safety of those around you while using your iPod, please take the following three easy steps.

1. Use larger headphones. Sure, white earbuds are hip, but big studio headphones are even cooler. The people around you will recognize your unwavering appreciation for sound quality, while also recognizing that you can’t hear a damn thing. You will be safe from others attempting to speak to you while at the same time securing your image as an uncompromising music lover.
2. Practice sign language. Rather than removing your headphones in order to speak with others, try learning sign language. A practice well established by the deaf, sign language is an effective, widespread method for communicating without the use of hearing. Using sign language will enable you to order a triple mocha latte at Starbucks without interrupting the breakdown.
3. Bling your iPod. iPod muggings have been taking place in major cities worldwide. It is of increasing importance that you keep your iPod visible at all times, not only by using it openly in the street, but also by dressing up your iPod in striking accessories. Some possibilities to consider include designer hoodies, an uber-yuppie fannie pack, a totebag with built-in speakers, or a glamorous floral printed case that makes it look like a Fifth Avenue clutch. Muggers will know better than to tread on your style.

By taking these three simple steps, you can enjoy your tunes in peace knowing that the world knows you’re a hip and unique individual who’s not to be reckoned with. Or spoken to.

Please tune in for my next round of safety tips: "How to Properly Enjoy DVDs and Playstation in the Comfort of Your Own Car".

Backslash Backlash: This will be the name of my new metal band. Well, it would have simply been called Backslash, but that’s been taken by some rather tough looking Germans who could probably take me in a biergarten brawl. So Backslash Backlash it is.

The name of my metal band indicates my loathing and distaste for all humankind. (As the name of any metal band should do.) Well, maybe not for all humankind, just a vast majority — that majority being those who can’t keep the difference straight between a backslash (\) and a forward slash (/).

If you don’t know the difference … sigh. A slash (also known as a forward slash) leans forward (to the right), and is frequently used in punctuation and web addresses. A backslash leans backwards (to the left) and is infrequently used for anything at all. It was just invented in the 1950s and its main utility is in computer programming. The (forward) slash is beside your right SHIFT key. The backslash is really hard to find and often located in different positions on different keyboards.

Nonetheless, I’ve heard everyone from talk show hosts to family members claim that some web page or another can be found at "blah blah blah dot com backslash something something something" — in spite of the fact that a backslash will never appear in a properly formatted internet address. (I assume they think backslash is a fancy word for a slash. Well, you can’t blame ‘em for trying … right?)

And of course, I’m definitely not the first “enlightened” individual to observe this frequently-made mistake. Because what geek isn’t prone to just a little — the tinyest bit — of arrogance and elitism?

Against what you might call my “better judgment”, I’ve been geeking out on yet another new PDA lately. I didn’t think I would ever learn to love (a PDA) again. Boy was I wrong.

Know thyself. Consider the twelve-step journey to gadget enlightenment.

1. First encounter. A store, a friend, or an acquaintance has that cool new gadget. Huh.
2. Interest. You’re curious. You observe or ask your friend about their gadget. Hmm.
3. Enthusiasm. What a neat gadget! But you don’t need anything like that.
4. Research. You learn the jargon. You find out that the X879 (or whatever) is nice, but it’s not compatible with 802.11b (or whatever) so the X977 (or whatever) is the model that’s right for …
5. Rationalization. Maybe you don’t need that new PDA (or whatever) for PIM (or whatever), but it could help you with [insert newly-invented, non-critical task here].
6. On second thought … you really shouldn’t be spending your money on that kind of thing.
7. Breakdown. (What are credit cards for anyway?) You suddenly buy it and you don’t look back. You at least pretend to have no regret about your well-informed and practical purchase.
8. Exploration. You have that gadget in your own sweaty palms. You spend a late and wild night messing around with it. You are bleary-eyed in the morning.
9. Zeal. You bring it everywhere. You talk about it constantly. It’s just what you always needed. How did you ever get by without it?
10. Oops. You leave it somewhere. Or break it. Or keep forgetting it at the office. Or whatever.
11. Oops again. Maybe you didn’t need that gadget after all. Your life is just as great without it. Better even.
12. Well, things might be a little better if you had the newest cool new …

Repeat. Shuffle. Repeat.

I was powerless on vacation in Washington last week — well actually, it was just my camera. Too prophetic that I posted about double-checking on my chargers just last week, huh?

But let’s say you’re on a week-long vacation and you leave the charger for your super-cool, ultra-portable, beloved digital camera at home. If you need help deciding whether to simply purchase a new charger while you’re out of town, I can help.

Just review this easy-to-follow questionnaire:

1. Do you have lots of unneeded money ($20-80 US) to spend on something you already have at home?
2. Would you like to spend a half a day of your short holiday bouncing around an unknown town in order to locate a rather obscure, proprietary device that is not likely to be in stock at most retailers?
3. Do you happen to be an a burgeoning metropolis that boasts multiple well-stocked electronics or digital camera stores?
4. After you’ve located a charger for your digital camera, would you like to spend a few hours indoor juicing up your camera?
5. Are you totally friggin nuts?

Did you answer “yes” to all of the above questions? Great, then I suggest you go out and get a new charger for your digital camera right now. But why take a vacation in the first place? Couldn’t you have just as much fun sitting around your darkened geek lair installing new software on your Palm OS wristwatch or something? (Okay, maybe that’s not fair. You could just be wholesomely watching TV on your wristwatch instead, you nerd.)

Since I failed my own simple five-point survey, I just smacked myself in the head a few times when I realized I’d forgotten my charger. Damn. Just thinking about it made me smack myself again. Damn.

So I went to the five ‘n’ dime and got me one of those old-timey disposable film cameras. Cost me a whoppin’ four bucks, it did. Whoo-wee. Now I can get my pictures developed onto shiny paper and I can send ‘em to my kin using an envelope and a stamp.

Or, I can send the camera to be developed at a service like Snapfish, which will put the photos on the web and send me prints. It’s a good option, but they also charge you if you want to download hi-res prints. And if you use their site to send photos to folks, they have to register for a free account on Snapfish — but is giving away one’s email address really “free”?

But instead, now that I’m home and have been reunited with my good ol’ digital camera charger, I’m taking care of my photos the real old-fashioned way: I haven’t had the film developed at all, and I probably won’t for weeks. And probably, just like the good ol’ days, it won’t bother me a bit.

(Here’s an email I sent to AT&T Wireless’s online customer service today.)

Dear AT&T Online Customer Service,

I tried to login to my account and was prompted to enter a “secret question”. Fine, but these are TERRIBLE secret questions:

What is the name of a childhood pet?
What is the name of a childhood hero?
What is your favorite restaurant?
Who is the person you would most like to meet?
Who is/was your favorite school teacher?
Who is your favorite artist?
Who is your favorite author?
Who is your favorite actor?
What was your favorite toy as a child?
What movie did you enjoy the most?
What book did you enjoy the most?

I can’t answer ANY of them. Has it ever occurred to you that some people do NOT have favorite artists, authors, or actors? Or more to the point, may people DO have favorites, but they change every day.

Further, for some people, all of their childhood pets’ names had fewer than five characters, which is your minimum number of characters allowed in an answer. Also, what if my favorite artist were Cher?

How about something that DOES NOT change, like what elementary school did you go to? Or who was your first best friend? Or hospital were you born in? Or who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

Next time you are attempting to add a “secret question to your website”, please think a little harder about whether you yourself could even answer these questions accurately more than once. (Ones that don’t remind me of a newlyweds game show.)

Thank you.