electron zoo

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From Stonehenge to Switzerland, humans have long used gadgets to measure the passage of time. These days, we're still figuring out crazy new ways to find out how soon we can break for lunch. For those occasions when checking the time on our mobile phones is far too uncivilized, here are five cool gadgets that you can watch for hours -- precisely.

Time Tags
These tiny cufflinks are a cool way for watchophobics to discreetly tell the time without risking an unsightly tan line. Fortunately, these itty-bitty timepieces come in pairs so you can lose them one-at-a-time.

TIX LED Clock
Cleverly disguised as a futuristic wall decoration, this clock may allow you to keep the time of day secret from your visitors whilst you, resident mad scientist, watch them squirm. Once you learn this clock's easy secret, you'll be able to read it faster than you can say One Million Dollars.

Active Reactor Wristwatch
This extremely fancy gadget brims with blinky lights and tech appeal, but all it really does is tell the time ... in a super spiffy way that's brand spanking new! To be the first wanna-japanese-a-be on the block to wear it, you'll have to order it directly in Japanese Yen. "How much was that awesome watch?" "Twelve hundred Yen." How cool is that?

Heart Rate and Altitude Monitoring Watch
If the control freak in you needs to know way more than the time, this watch may be a good start. Use it to keep tabs on your heart rate anytime (even thirty meters underwater) or to triumpantly determine your elevation when you happen to be climbing a mountain. Other know-it-all timepieces include smart watches for info like the weather and news.

Pong Clock
If staring at the clock isn't holding your attention, watching a computer endlessly play Pong with itself is sure to entertain. This clock is a must-have for retro gamers -- because for all the wonderful things you can do with an Atari 2600, keeping time isn't one of them.

NOTE: This is my first podcast ever! If you want to hear my melodious voice rather than reading this post, just download the MP3 file to your computer or MP3 player. It runs 2:15 and weights 2.1 MB.

For those of us who occasionally wake up wearing our shoes, here are five gadgets you won't remember using in the morning.

The Ring Thing
Because I've never seen anyone keep their pants on using a belt buckle bottle opener, I insist you consider a Ring Thing or wear tight pants. Or both. If the Ring Thing isn't hardcore enough for you, professional grade bottle opener rings are bigger, sturdier, and faster to use.

Reef Fanning Sandals
These Reef sandals have a covert bottle opener hidden in their sole, for those days when you head out with your flip flops, a 6-pack of Heineken, and nothing else. They come in multiple color combinations, including black & tan.

Travel Bar To Go
With a flask, a funnel, a corkscrew, ice tongs, a stirring stick, and even two collapsible shot glasses, you'll seriously outclass the hobos drinking from paper bags when you're boozing in the park mid-afternoon.

Shot Glass Ice Molds
Sorry about the intended pun, but these are the coolest shot glasses ever. Freeze water or juice to have everything on the rocks. And if your guests leave their glasses all over the place, you can just clean up afterwards with a hose.

Ashhole Bottletop Ashtray
If you've ever been to a party where everyone's ashing their cigarettes into a beer bottles, this might seem like a good idea. Until you ask yourself, if you had this ashtray on-hand, why would you ash into a beer bottle?

You know who you are. If it doesn't have whiskers and wear a bow, you don't want it. But Hello Kitty comes from Japan, where bytes are the not-so-new black. If you're going to ride this bandwagon, these 5 Gadgets are for you.

Hello Kitty Bluetooth Handsfree
When you haven't got enough hands to hold your Hello Kitty mobile phone (or the low-tech version for US residents), your Hello Kitty wireless headset will have you covered. Telephones must make Hello Kitty very sad, because she has no mouth.

Hello Kitty Digital Cam
Would the Hello Kitty paparazzi dare use another digital cam to catch this hot shot of Steven Tyler indulging in some pink, plushy Hello love? It takes 3.2 megapixel shots and even has a video out so you can connect it to your Hello Kitty TV set.

Hello Kitty USB 2.0 Flash Drive
Wearable flash memory must be worn in style. What matches your outfit, 256 MB or 512 MB? Either will look fabulous plugged into your Hello Kitty USB hub.

Hello Kitty Desktop Cleaner
Here's a neat little gadget that's popular in Japan -- a tiny vacuum cleaner to keep your desktop tidy. (It's great for keeping the dust off your Hello Kitty keyboard and mouse.) It reminds me of what Ethan Hawke used in Gattaca so no one would discover his true genetic identity. Does this mean the Japanese are genetically engineered superhumans? Perhaps.

Hello Kitty Portable Speakers
What kind of music do you Hello Kitty fans rock out to, anyway? I hope it sounds good coming out of two giant plush Hello Kitty feet, which can easily be connected to your Hello Kitty MP3 Player.

Note to readers (ignore at will): This week, I'm introducing number 1 in a new series called "5 Gadgets". I have a few other plans to enliven this space, which will hopefully actually happen. Soon.

FlipFlop Solar Powered Moving Plant
It's solar powered. It's plastic. It moves ... but just a little, tiny bit. It's an artificial solar powered houseplant. It's so intentionally useless, it's almost a good idea.

iDog Portable Speaker
If storm troopers had pet dogs designed by Japanese hipsters, this is what they would look like. This charismatic little speaker can connect to your iPod and enjoy your music with you, enabling you to further ostracize your loved ones while listening to your "own personal soundtrack".

Scrolling LED Badge
Nothing says, "Hello, my name is ... wait! Come back!" better than a scrolling LED badge. I mean come on, all the cool kids are wearing LED belt buckles.

Griffin iBeam Laser Pointer and Flashlight for iPod or iPod Mini
What do you get when you mix a life-saving tool (flashlight), an ostentatious gadget (iPod mini), and a glorified cat toy (laser pointer)? Or were you going to use your hot pink iPod mini to underscore the highlights of the PowerPoint you're presenting in the corner office?

Retro Phone Handset
Just attach it to your mobile phone, and it will give you a big chucky receiver to hang onto. This would come in handy if you had a loved one who just awoke from a coma, and you had to conduct an elaborate rouse to convince them it was still 1980 (Goodbye Lenin style). Or if you wanted everyone at a party to believe they could call your crotch directly. Well geez, maybe it's not useless after all.

I have an awesome new gadget. This time, it’s pretty mainstream — I didn’t have to fill out any customs forms, buy off the black market, or rob any Japanese tourists. Not that I would do such a thing (but don’t ask me where I got my itty bitty digital camera).

I got my latest gadget in the USA. Well, that already knocks it down a wee bit on the coolness scale, especially because it’s a mobile phone. Or as some of you American cavemen still like to say, it’s a cell phone.

To get totally off the topic for a moment, the term cell phone is so old-fashioned that I once said cell phone to a 19-year-old hipster in the UK and he didn’t know what I was talking about. (Technically, the term refers to phones that use frequencies that few of us are using these days.) The only "cell phone" you’ll find me buying will be an actual cybernetic extension onto the cellular walls of my ears that allows me to communicate with … um … the mothership?

But in spite of being on the North American market, my new mobile phone is really cool. It’s the Motorola RAZR V3, and it’s just a little flashier than the electronics I would normally buy. I only bought a new phone because I had to change mobile services carriers, so getting a rockin’ new phone was a part of the deal. (Actually, you can buy unlocked cell phones that are carrier-independent — but then you don’t have a great excuse to upgrade your mobile technology.)

And this phone does pretty much rock. It has a huge, colorful screen, which is great for using the web, instant messaging, and emailing. The camera is pretty decent, and takes photos as big as 640 x 480 pixels — less than one megapixel, but good enough the uninspired quickie shots I’d take on my mobile phone. (Check out these shots I posted to Blogger Mobile.)

But the vanity features of the phone are what sets it apart. Mainly, the form factor — this is geek talk for the size and shape — is very cool. It’s just a little longer than a credit card and around 1.4 cm thick. (That’s just over half an inch for you cavemen reading this.) The thinness makes up for the large height and width of the phone, allowing space for the most luxuriously huge keypad I’ve seen in a pocket-friendly phone.

If the size of the keypad didn’t make it easy enough for me to enter text, the excellent predictive text feature built in to the phone simplifies things further. Turning it off and on can be counter-intuitive, but I am willing to forgive that because it has a very clever interface for guessing what you are trying to type … once you get used to it, anyway.

Plus it actually remembers what you’ve typed in the past. For instance, the name of my pet is not a real word (”shrimpi”, who lives in an Eco-Sphere), so I had to manually enter the name the first time I typed it into my phone. After that, it guessed that I was trying to type “shrimpi” after I’d entered just a few letters. Not bad.
Later that day, it suggested my password as a potential solution to something I was trying to type. How convienient. For that reason, I suggest you carefully weigh the pros and cons of this feature if you’re living a secretive double life. That’s why I had to turn it off, anyway.

Just in case I haven’t given you enough reasons why this keypad is awesome, it also glows like the dashboard of a retro spaceship in the dark. The salesman at the mobile store pointed this out to me. "It’s very Star Trek," he said. "Just like my life," I responded, and he laughed.

Oh, what little he knows.